There, I’ve said it. I. Am, Struggling.
2018 just has not been my year and we’re only 3 months in! So far my year has consisted of:
- Being told our lease was being terminated with no explanation.
- Having to figure out where to get the money to move because we’re still paying off our visit home from this past summer.
- My husband’s business being in the red (normal for start-ups, but all the money comes out of my pay and there’s been a lot of unexpected and unnecessary expenses)
- Too many things (and things I can’t talk about) with my work, it is not the same place we all signed up for.
- I’m the sole provider not only for my family, but for the family of my helper that I employ so the weight is all on me…
- Marriage issues that I know we all have, but am clueless how to move past.
- More money issues (another round)
- My husband has gone to the hospital twice for a back injury in the last month, all while we’re trying to move, and the last the week we HAD to be out of the old house.
- Our movers that we hired were not professional. I literally had to fight for what we got and they refused to do so much that was a part of the initial quote leaving me with a husband in the hospital and me having to take off work to deal with it.
- I had to deal with the last of the move, including all his work lumber. 11.5 hours of driving back and forth and loading and unloading in the rain.
- The fridge at the new house wasn’t working and I ruined about 70 oz of breast milk because it defrosted in the freezer. We also couldn’t really eat anything because there was nowhere to put the food… did make me thankful for modern conveniences.
- Now the landlord wants to withhold 2 months (which is A LOT of money in HK) deposit and while I don’t have the complete list yet, some of it is stuff that was there before we moved in or things he had said he didn’t care about! We’re still working on it, but thank God I do have some photos, but I knew this would happen, I knew he’d try to pull this on us. And no matter how many times the realtor or I try to get him to talk to us he won’t.
- I was in the hospital for my asthma
- I’ve been sick every single month so far in 2018
- My son turned one! (I know I should be happy, but come on, my momma heart hurts that he’s growing so fast!)
- It feels like there’s more, but honestly I can’t even think about it anymore….
I literally have just had a couple of complete meltdowns in the last week because I just don’t know how much more I can take. I hate this feeling of the world on my shoulders, that I’m the one that has to solve everything, instigate everything, finish everything. If it wasn’t for the amazing helper we have to take care of the day-to-day stuff like cooking and cleaning I’m pretty sure I would have had a complete mental breakdown by now. I’m already at the point I where I honestly just keep thinking to myself, “I need to crawl into a hole and…” to be honest die keeps popping up, but then I feel dramatic and change it to “hide”, “cry”, stay for eternity… I honestly don’t know. That would be yet another decision to make and I just can’t make any more!
I don’t know what I expect out of this, I just want to be real. To vent? To document so one day I can come back and see how far I’ve come? To find solidarity? Probably all the above.
I’m trying to have faith, I’ve been through this before, I know the drill. God has ALWAYS provided. Maybe not in the way I expect or in my time or my way, but I know he has. So why am I struggling to have faith now? Why am I forever freaking out? Heck, I can see his constant signs around me the last two weeks.
- When my husband was in the hospital and I didn’t know how I would finish moving he gave me a song in devotions “God will Make a Way” by Don Moen- This song stuck with me all week, randomly popping into my head just when I needed it. I didn’t remember all the lyrics, but I would repeat “God will make a way, when there seems to be no way” over and over and over again. It became my mantra and he did make a way. I took an emergency day of leave off work and a friend’s husband and a friend of his came and took care of the heavy lifting I needed. They brought up the couch when the movers wouldn’t and set up our fridge so we would have a working fridge and freezer again.
- I randomly opened my Bible app the other day and right away there was John 16:33 (NIV) “I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” I mean how perfect right?! God’s promises right there in black and white, so why am I still struggling? Why can’t I just trust it will be ok?
- I opened my app again and the devotion suggestions were about suffering… Definitely something I need help with right now.
- Even in church today it was about faith in the pain….
- I have good friends and family that have really come around us to help in these times of need. From financially to physical help moving things, to just being there as a sounding board, a shoulder to cry on. These people have been God’s love to me in the dark times.
So with all this I should be rejoicing in the promises of God! So why is my heart still heavy? I don’t have the answer right now, and I may never. But I’m clinging to all the reminders of God’s love above, I have not been forsaken.
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